This week, ABC's, Black-ish, aired an episode entitled " Black Like Us."  The episode touched on the topic of colorism in today's society.  After the episode, I searched for writings I began about color complexes when I moved to California in 2006.   I knew I had written about some personal experiences and African American ideologies on skin color.   Once I found the writings, there was a sense of disappointment.  Here we are 13 years later and things have not changed within our society.  I also taught to myself, "Danielle, you are always preaching about a "snowball effect" or change starting with one individual but you have held onto these writings for 13 years and never shared them."  I held onto the writings for reasons of shame and insecurities.   I thought letting people in, would show a weakness.  The "2019 Danielle"now knows what I saw as a weakness 13 years ago can actually be impactful if change is what I desire.  So here goes: 
“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” - Mahatma Gandhi

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Two Snippets from 2006: 
Hegemony  
            We cannot blame society for the banal ideology of beauty when we have been submissive to its ideals for far too long.  Before our freedom, we let the white man depict our beauty through status.  Masters bifurcated slaves based on their complexion and assigned labor according to pigment.  The lighter complexion bevy of slaves were allowed to work indoors while the darker complexion burned from the obdurate sun rays. A color hierarchy was created and our ancestors passively bolstered the ideals that light or white was better. Slaves had no choice other than to abide by the rules of the oppressor but why are the unethical morals of slavery still in existence today?  
            African Americans have adopted the hegemonic ideals of slavery and look for someone to blame.  We cannot blame society when we construct it with our false consciousness. African Americans have submitted as followers to the dominant ideology of slavery. We have failed to recognize our own and become the individuals our ancestors fought for us to be. Our ancestors fought for FREEDOM.  FREEDOM to be valued as a person not property. FREEDOM to be looked at as a man not a n*****.  FREEDOM to walk through the front door instead of waiting at the back porch. FREEDOM to classify beauty of one’s own accord rather than using “the Massa’s pigment pedastool.”  We need to wake up.  The definition of beauty is not restricted to one color, shape or size. If we do not accept ourselves for who we are, why should anyone else?  

Alana
​Alana, 7, every morning would “unconsciously” ask to go to the outdoor pool of our hotel. “Unconsciously” asking to spend hours outside, in Las Vegas, in the middle of July, heat soaring past 100 degrees and me, a dark skin African American woman, with a color complex, to escort her.  As her babysitter I agreed to accompany her but with strict stipulations.  I chose secluded areas where trees could block the lethal sun rays that held the power to abase my character and further abate my self-esteem.  I envied Alana as she swam and found happiness within the water and sun.  Alana’s mind was pure and not aware of the acidulous complex of being a dark skin female.  She welcomed the sun on her little body with open arms as I grew restless and bitter.  My aesthetic principles shorten pool time daily and advised us to move when our spot became un-shaded.  The sun rays continued to affect Alana’s skin and I prayed for rain on her behalf and mine. The Lord heard my prayers but he sent my blessing in another form other than rain. Later in the week after pool time, I caught Alana staring in the mirror.  Her head was tilted to the side, while her eyes scanned the dark reflection. She moved her hands along her body securing physically that her skin had in fact gotten darker and would not rub off. I stood there empathizing with her and wishing I had applied another coat of sunscreen to her petite body.  Alana turned and faced me with a glowing smile that shined against her chocolate complexion.  Her smile was not of resentment but of happiness.  “I’m getting closer to having skin like yours and being pretty like you” were the next words accompanied by her large smile.  I took a breath deep enough to fill an abyss, wrapped my arms around her, hugging her tight, and thanking her for showing me a world outside my contorted mind.  

This blog differs from the other blogs I have written because it is centered on a personal self-discovery.  This “AH HA” moment, this epiphany, this revelation I cannot shake surfaced from the two books I am currently reading;  “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman and “The Conversation” by Hill Harper.  This blog will not go into detail about the books, although I do recommend reading both books.  This blog is more of a journal entry.  Upon completion of reading this entry (of course you obviously will know more about me), my hopes are to open your eyes to the power of self-sabotage and fear. 
 
So… What is Self-Sabotage?
Self-Sabotage is when you have a longstanding goal but you ensure that it is never achieved.
 
I am a “by any means necessary” kind of girl; I do not take “no” for an answer; If one door closes, I’ll go find another door.   I would have never associated myself to being one to self-sabotage until I began reading  “The 5 Love Languages” and “The Conversation”.   It has been two years since I have fully committed my love to an individual and allowed myself to be categorized as “in a relationship”.    I dated, I entertained, I friendzoned but never settled back down.   My close friends tell me that I have the mindset of man; that I have emotionally shutoff the concept of a relationship; or that I believe that I do not need a companion to be happy.  My nonchalant response to their opinions is usually laughter.  In my mind, they could not be further from the truth about what I want.  I desire to be married; I yearn to be a mother one day; and I believe love is one of the most powerful and beautiful components of life.   My longstanding goals are clear to me but the choices I have made or lack there of, do not show my thoughts to by my truth… Self-Sabotage.
 
So… How do you control/eliminate Self-Sabotage?
ACKNOWLEDGE *DISENGAGE *CHALLENGE *DISCOVER
 
ACKNOWLEDGE
The first step in eliminating self-sabotage is acknowledging there is an issue to be dealt with.   Early life experiences, fear or low self-esteem could be factors of why we result to self-sabotage.  
 
Chapman’s 5 Love Languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch.  According to Chapman, every individual has a primary love language.  You must learn and speak the love language of your significant other in order to have a successful relationship.  After reading each love language, I told myself that I did not fit the mold of receiving gifts or physical touch but I was not certain of my primary love language either.  Within the book, I took the quiz to discover my top love languages.  Ironically my top love languages are receiving gifts and physical touch.  Receiving gifts (as a love language) is more than just tangible items and/or expensive gifts.  It could be as simple as a handwritten note or the presence of your significant other when you need them.   Physical touch (as a love language) is more than just sex.  Holding hands, giving a hug, cuddling, greeting each other with a kiss, or rubbing ones back are all forms of physical touch.  Both love languages can call for minimum effort but it’s the thought behind the action that matters. 
 
In my last relationship, when there was a problem, receiving gifts and physical touch love languages seemed like a punishment for me.   It was if my partner knew my love languages and used them against me.  For example, if I wanted my partner’s company or they agreed to be present at an event (and we just had a disagreement) they would decline to come or just would not show up.  If my partner purchased a gift (and we had an argument) they would return the gift to the store.   As a result of their actions, I reacted with anger and would shut down emotionally.  My feelings snowballed to disgust of any physical touch.  I did not feel they deserved my love physically because they would intentionally hurt me.  Expressing my love physically to someone who would intentionally hurt me was against my values.  My past relationship is a life experience I do not want to relive.  I learned to suppress those memories but the pain unconsciously built a defense for future relationships.   
 
I can now ACKNOWLEDGE that my fear of being a relationship like my past sabotaged the potential relationships I attempted to build.
 
 
DISENGAGE
The second step in eliminating self-sabotage is to disengage.  Let go of fear, the past, or whatever else is holding you back from achieving your longstanding goal. 
 
In “The Conversation”, Harper has a chapter titled Anger, Forgiveness and Learning to Let Go.  He compares transitioning from one relationship to the next with moving to a new place.  When you move, you have to decide what you want to pack or take with you and what you want to leave behind.  Harper encourages you to leave the anger, the fear, the doubt and overall the “baggage” behind.   Do not pursue a new relationship with the baggage of the past.  If you bring along your baggage from the past, you already sabotaged your future. 
 
I fully agree with Harper.  Past baggage could ruin a new relationship so I left my baggage with my last partner behind.  I failed realize along with leaving my baggage behind, I also packed away my true love languages.  I tried to change my love languages.  I stopped allowing prospects to connect with me through “receiving gifts” or “physical touch”.   I made those love languages seem of little importance to me or strayed away from them all together.  My baggage contained the real version of who I was and how I loved.   I was too afraid to unpack my baggage and take what I needed because of fear.  Fear that history would repeat itself.
 
 
I had to DISENGAGE from fear.   DISENGAGE from forming new love languages because they were not my true love languages.  By taking on false love languages, new relationships never even had a chance.  Based on a lie, all new relationships were set to fail.  How can you please me, if you don’t know how to reach me?  How could you love me, when I make myself unlovable?  Our “Conversations” were already done before they even started. 
 
 
CHALLENGE
The third step to eliminate self-sabotage is to challenge.  You know your longstanding goal.  You know what is keeping you from achieving your goal. Now, what are you going to do about it?
 
“For love, we will climb mountains, cross seas, traverse desert sands, and endure untold hardships.  Without love, mountains become unclimbable, seas uncrossible, deserts unbearable, and hardship our lot in life (The 5 Love Languages).”
 
For the past two years, my mind packed away my love languages to protect my heart.  It was not easy to unpack my love languages.   At first, every time I decided to unpack and use a primary love language, a painful memory would emerge.  I could physically feel a pain in my chest.  A pain of disappointment; a pain of failure; a pain of anger.  Sometimes I would regret trying.   The challenge to let go of fear was hard but I was determined to love again. 
 
If I truly desired love and a relationship my CHALLENGE was to unpack my true love languages.  I had to stand up to my fears.  Regain the courage to truly love again.
For love you must have courage.  You must have courage to fight your fears.  
 
DISCOVER
The fourth step to eliminate self-sabotage is to DISCOVER.  Accept who you are and who you want to be.  Have courage to move forward away from the negative attributes that stopped you from achieving your longstanding goal. 
 
“F.E.A.R : False Evidence Appearing Real (The Conversation)”
 
By defying my real “love languages”, I was presenting a fabricated version of myself because of fear.  My fear allowed me to believe that speaking my true love languages as I did in my past relationship, would result in a similar painful outcome.   Today I am aware of who and I am and what I want to achieve.  My next partner will not be the same therefore my relationship will automatically be different.  I have the choice to be vulnerable and speak my true love languages. 
 
I DISCOVERED my past relationship to be a negative time in my life but also a learning experience. My past partner and I spoke different love languages and we did not know how to hold a “conversation”.  If we had learned to speak one another’s “love language”, things may have worked out differently (that’s not a definite but who knows).   The assumption that my future relationships would end the same was flat out stupid.  I let fear create a self- defeating reality.  No future relationship had a chance of survival because my mind already set the relationship up to fail.  Accepting my true primary love languages will eventually allow me to be authentic and happy.  My next relationship may or may not work out.  My love languages may or may not be reciprocated and those are risks I am willing to take.   I can guarantee my love will not be sabotaged by fear. 
 
I encourage you to look at your life.  What are your longstanding goals?   What are your fears?  What are your insecurities?  Do your fears or insecurities hinder you from achieving those goals?  Be honest with yourself.  Realize you can block your own potential.  I self sabotaged my goals to fall in love but your goals may be completely different.  For instance, you may want a promotion at work.   You have been turned down three times in the past.  So now you don’t even apply for higher positions for fear of being rejected… Self Sabotage.  You want to save money, but continue to spend your money on materialistic items such as clothes and shoes to present a falsified image for your peers.  You don’t necessarily want the items you purchase but you remember how it felt to be picked on growing up because you didn’t have the latest trends or your parents couldn’t afford to buy you everything you wanted… Self Sabotage.  There are so many other ways your can sabotage your life.  Stop being passive when it comes to your goals.  Acknowledge.  Disengage.  Challenge.  Discover. 

​Defeat the self-sabotage in your life! 

 If you are a Shonda Rhimes “Scandal” fan, you are very familiar with the character she created named Jake.  If not, I will give you a short bio and description of his role in hopes that this blog entry will make sense to you.  So here goes… Jake is in love with the main character, Olivia who is in love with another man.   Jake is well aware that Olivia loves this other man but he is there for her every beck and call.  When she needs someone to talk to, she calls Jake.  When she needs someone to save her, Jake already has a rescue plan in action to implement.  When she needs someone to fulfill her sexual desires, he is her “Side Chick.”  There is nothing that could stop Jake from loving Olivia or stop him from continuing to give himself freely to her.  Jake has almost died because of Olivia.  Jake’s wife was murdered because of Olivia.  Jake knows she is in love with another man and still stands by her side. 
 
So now, we know Jake.  On paper, Jake sounds weak.  But why is his fan base so strong?   I’ll tell you why… Jake’s fan base is so strong because his life is relatable.  So many people can connect with his situation because they are living a similar situation of their own.  So I go back to my first question… ARE YOU JAKE?  No one wants to admit they are but I will.   “I AM JAKE.”  You can confide in me.  You can rely on me. You can trust me. You can have me when you want me but when I need you, I CAN’T have you!  Knowing that I can’t have you, does that stop me from trying?  Does that stop me from being there for you when you need me?   Does that stop me from giving you my heart, my mind, or my body? NO.  No, it doesn’t because I am Jake and I know my role to play.  My role is to stay in the background until my presence is requested.    
 
So my next question after admitting “I AM JAKE” is “am I content with being Jake?”   If I were to say, “I don’t mind not being a priority”; if I were to say, “I like it when you don’t return my phone calls or text messages”; or if I were to say, “only come to me when you need me;” I would be lying.  Therefore, I’m not content;  I’m settling.  I have convinced myself to believe that as long as I have a portion of your attention it’s better than having none at all.   One of Jake’s infamous lines to Olivia was, “we both know in the end, you are not going to choose me.“ His words manifested.  He did not tell Olivia, to choose him.  He let her know he was content with her choosing the other man AND that he would still be there for her.  Jake’s life worth is dependent on the wellbeing of Olivia.   So “NO”, I am not content with being Jake.  I want happiness too.   I need to know that another human being does not depict my self-worth.  I am worthy to be loved.  I am worthy to be made a priority.
 
So we have made the revelation that Jake is content.  But if YOU aren’t content, what moves are you going to make to shift from being Jake?  I thought I found the answer once.  I figured that treating them the way they treated me would show them that I was more than just a Jake.  It seemed like a good idea but didn’t work.  I was left even more confused on why they didn’t want me.  My absence didn’t faze them. 

When someone is ready to make you a priority they will on THEIR time.  I could not force this person to give me more attention or make them see the value I was to THEIR  life.  My only option was to leave THEIR life completely. 
 
Jake continued to express his love for Olivia in hope she would eventually see he was there for her unconditionally.  What Jake failed to realize is when love turns to lust, its time to let go.  So if you are a Jake, like I ONCE WAS, hear me when I say this… YOU ARE WORTHY!  YOU DESERVE AN INDIVIDUAL WHO MAKES YOU A PRIORITY!  IF YOU GIVE LOVE, YOU NEED TO GET IT BACK.
 
DON’T BE JAKE! 

The effects of social media can be positive and negative.  We use social media to connect, reconnect, motivate, inform or find humor and all can be considered positives.  As an Instagram and Facebook addict, I’ve noticed the shift in their relevance.  I remember when I used to get excited about receiving a friend request or reconnecting with my elementary school besties.  Now my pages are saturated with tutorials on  “How to be a Bad B!t$h” or individuals holding money stacks  (when I know they don’t even have a job).  The falsified lifestyles and distorted body images portrayed are deemed  perfection, or in absence of better words, “hashtag WINNING”.  

We look at Instagram profiles with 500k followers and photos with 6,000 likes and associate them with having acceptance, beauty, success, and overall perfection.    We read the validating comments from followers and desire that recognition also so we alter our lives to attain it.  But if all we aim for are responses from followers, are those comments really making us richer, more beautiful, or just “Instagram famous”.

How can you be sure that the way you are portraying a fallacious lifestyle to get “likes and comments” isn’t also being done by the person you are imitating.. Better yet, if social media never existed, do you think you would still be comparing yourself to strangers, wanting their lifestyle, physique, or relationship status so you can keep tally marks on a piece of paper for validation?  Would the lives of strangers still seem so great to be imitated or worth your time?

If you want to be “pretty”, look in the mirror everyday and tell yourself that you are pretty and believe it.  If you want to be richer, evaluate your current occupation.  Is your job working for you, are you able to advance?  Do you need to look for another occupation or go into business for yourself?  What are YOUR options to boost YOUR income? 

If you want to lose weight, have you set a healthy weight-loss goal for your body type?  Have you tried eating healthier or created a workout plan?  If you are searching for your soul mate and keep attracting polar opposites with different morals and values,  do you need to evaluate the way you are presenting yourself?   Females, are you posting images with your legs spread wide open in a bra and panties,  but search for a significant other who will value your mind?  Fellas, are you posting images advertising how much money you make and can spend without care, and wonder why gold diggers are all you seem to attract? 

Society gives us many images of perfection, but they are not all consistent with you your morals and values. So ask yourself; what is perfection for you?  Why is it so important?  Are we changing who we are physically and mentally by choice or for validation?  Why do we let our insecurities drive us to social media for a description of personal perfection?  If you Google the definition of perfection, it is defined as “the condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects.” Notice that  perfection is not described by physical attributes.  Perfection is also not described by social or economic status.  Perfection is a state of mind. 

So be free of distorted images. Be free of fabricated lifestyles. Be free of conceited mentalities. BE YOU! We have to STOP comparing ourselves to what others profess to have and we think we want.  Our self-esteem takes a hit when we follow flawed models that were never the right fit. When we know who we are, know who we want to be, and commit to work towards that end, then we have perfection!  No one can be a better Me than me and no one can be a better YOU than YOU!

Often we allow negativity to stop us from believing we can achieve our goals.   It is only when we believe in ourselves whole hearted we are able to see the opportunities we have in life.  The opportunity to do the impossible.  The opportunity to beat the odds.  The opportunity to succeed.  We are taught to list out the pros and cons before we make a decision based on the probability of success. We ask others for validation so we don't have to pull the trigger ourselves.  The fear of failure and the need to place blame block our opportunities.  

I literally cry tears of joy when I think of the word "opportunity".  I look at my own life and realize that my life could be so different if I had not seized the opportunities when God presented them to me.  Odds were not in my favor when I decided to quit my job without another source of income lined up.  Odds were not in my favor when I decided to open a dance studio near 15 other existing dance studios in the same zipcode.  Odds were not in my favor when I decided to part ways with my boyfriend of 5 years at the age of 30 knowing that my biological time clock has an expiration date (lol).   But it's what I chose to do.  I can honestly say my decisions then were based on my indecisive behavior and spontaneity.  I just wanted something new.  Something that was mine.  Something that made me feel free.  I thought I was getting away and starting over when in actuality I was seizing new opportunities.  My life did not crash and burn because of my decisions.  My decisions made me stronger.  

Today, I watched Disney's McFarland USA with Kevin Costner.  Based on a true story, the odds were against seven young men and their coach to succeed.  They faced many negative obstacles along their journey and were presented with the opportunity to do more than just exist but to be great.  This movie was motivating, empowering, and of course it made me cry. I'm not a spoiler for movies so I highly encourage you to watch it.  Even though it was a movie, its heartwarming to see others pursue their dreams when reality tells you its not possible.  

We all have choices.  We all have the opportunity to be great.  Do not let the fear of not knowing deter you.  Do not let the judgement of others stop you.  The question should not be "is there a better opportunity for me".  The opportunity is out there for us all to be great.  The question is are you going to be willing to accept the challenge... ACCEPT THE CHALLENGE!